The Innocence of Banking.

There's a billboard ad for the Royal Bank of Scotland that I pass every day, and every day it makes me more and more annoyed. You've probably seen them, they're the ones that portray RBS as being there 'for you'. They've come up with all these new measures, measures that they hope will somehow stem the tide of ill feeling the general public has towards a bank that they now own. Measures that seemed bleeding obvious in the first place but weren't implemented because they were too busy pissing away all of your money.

So they're going to be a friendly bank. Oh yes, everyone in your local branch is now going to smile, welcome you in, pour you a cup of tea, and if you're lucky, give your shoulders a little rub.

To be honest, it all makes me a bit uneasy. Why? Because they're a bank. I don't want my bank to be my friend, I want my bank to be my bank. I don't choose a bank based on how white their teeth are, or how fancy their signatures are, I choose a bank that is really good at being a bank. They could fling shit at me when I walk in the branch if they give me more money than the other banks. I do most of my banking online anyway.

It's not just RBS who do this. I think it all started with Innocent smoothies, this idea that companies are going to be all warm and fuzzy in their marketing, cosy up to us like a colleague with no concept of personal space. Companies trying to be my friend when I just want them to do what they do best. You know what? Innocent make really good smoothies. But I hate when I end up being patronised by a bloody juice carton.

"Don't turn me upside down" it warns me, "unless the cap's on!" Well, thanks for that sagely advice there. While you're at it, why not warn me not to consume the smoothie intravenously? Or remind me not to murder anyone today perhaps? Innocent smoothies are the annoying friend that everyone has, the shouty, loud, and oh-so un-funny mate who loves being the center of attention and tells everyone he "doesn't watch TV" before going on to talk about how he downloaded and watched all of 'Boardwalk Empire' in one day.

So please, stop trying to be my friend, just... be my bank. Quench my thirst. Shut the fuck up about Boardwalk Empire. I'll get round to watching it eventually.